afrikan food

viking quest; chapter 1

this is another long overdue post, but back in july me and fortini followed the tour. across france, into switzerland and round the top of italy. theres some photos of what we saw at the college on display that we used as a mascardade for the trip but in reallity whe just wanted some new scran while searching out the mythical euro sasuage.

The country of Europe is superior to the country of Newcastle in many ways, girls are hotter, theres no radgies, it’s perfectly acceptable to sleep in parks or walk into campsites without paying and use their showers. One of the biggest differences is the standard of food. kets and the kind of cheep tat you by at the corner shop are high quality,  service stations sell fresh baguettes and the kind of shit that would be labeled organic or locally produced over here and instantly have the price doubled is the standard for cheep food.

The first discovery on our quest wasn’t in europe but in the bandit country*, an automated chicken paying device.

Not only does this speed up chicken consumption but this also brings me one step closer to my dream of a utopian future in which the streets are lined with rotisserie chicken vending machines.

The second discovery was again in a service station, only this time in france.  straight off the boat we headed to a dodgy rest area that looked like it had a fair few truckers/murders about it. inside many treats awaited us.

“PAUSE VITAMINES” gay comment vitamins ? bag of frenchness

Caaaandy up, kidnap that fool

while tempted by the vitamin pack, I settled for the litre of chocomilk befor bed time but i needed a little someting something to finish it off. we had to drop a steakout in the diary asle as a french trucker had fallen asleep upright blocking our way to the good shit.

C’est merde grande

it was worth the wait, and 2 of the finest euro snacks known to man were revealed to us: the ham cake, and the boiled egg with some mayonaise

ham cake

egg avec mayonaise, blud

The Italian was particularily fond of these french waffle peices we found in the next service station, as well as the  coeur lion euro cheese wedge, the rolls royce of fromage snacks….

part 2 of the euro quest will follow shortly……..

 

* bandit country refers to anywhere south of scotch corner

….look at shorty, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

new clipse. sucking the clipse’s dick is a standard requirment of blogging.

clipse x blog x chicken = sucky sucky long time

PISS ARTISTS

Kebabs and art. whats not to like.  send in a photo if you have a kebab shop close to your heart.

“Temporary Space – contemporary art project asks your participation! Simple, just take a photo.

Temporaryspace.org is a contemporary art project run by two Finnish artists, Jonna Johansson and Juan Kasari. Tourism, globalisation and consuming as a cultural phenomenon are the main subjects of the project.

At the moment we are doing a big photo installation, which includes several hundreds of pictures of kebab restaurants around the world. We kindly ask you to take a photo (non professional snapshot) of your local kebab place (from outside) and send it to us. All the pictures will be part of the big installation and all the participants will be mentioned on temporaryspace.org website.

Maximum size of photos 5mb.

temporaryspaceproject@gmail.com

Bhangra niche?

so what feels like months ago it was Newcastle Mela. the asian answer to the hoppings? except the radgies that gan wear lethal white timbo’s along with some indian robes. Bhangra followed by some bait, whats not to like. The last time I went someone showed me a video of some asian beef that went down which involved ass wipping with belts. I was there strictly for the other kind of asian beef which is only availible in the foodcourt.

So I wandered the food area looking for who was going to get the hard earned in exchange for some fine cuisine. Lewis along with his genuine asian girlfriend helped me chose, for some reason when we got there there was a bunch a chancers flogging inflatible ballons bearing her resemblance. It was latter explained that this was a popular ethnic cartoon character known as dora the explorer, its amzing what they get up to in the colinies these days, eh? anyways back to the food, it didnt matter what the backseat eaters were saying, the main factor was the short que,  plus the chefs looked pretty old and had white beards! These boys must have been in the trade for a coons age ergo would know what was up.

Bin o’ Spice

Turns out they did. £7 got me everything they had cooked that day in a carton and a can of coke. You cant argue with that. So they put it down like this; Naan bread basew filled with meat curry, another meat curry then a veggie curry, salad over that, sauce, a little rice on da side along with a bahji and a pakora. This wasn’t no bull shit portion either, It took some eating, I think i even had to leave some naan. wash it doon with some cola. Lovely stuff.

To help the digestion we made dora the explora translate what was going down on stage. In between singing about woodpeckers and wacking two garden cains together the singer was calling out the bored crowd, while punjabi MC tryed to flog us his mixtape. After that I ate some kind of mango indian lolly. Lewis had a pistachio lolly, which was alright but a bit queer tasting for me. Some deepfried suger dowsed indian batter also went down.

I forget its name  (Jallebi) but it was orange and probably sends kids wild.  Sim did a little bangra dance to celbrate, until the remainder of the Jallebi leaked in her bag, and all over her skirt. sticky crotch aint a good look for rammadan.

SUPERDISCOUNT!

Is there anything a geordie likes better than a pasty? how about a discount pasty?

located at the edge of the best end, just befor the aryian newsagents, the greggs discount shop is worth the short trip out of town. want 4 cold steak pastys even though ones enough to fill you? yours for a quid. still room for a donut? no? how about 3 for 35 pence (jam filled) or 5 for 50p (ring). now your talking

no bullshit overpriced pop, bagguets or sandwiches, just everyone of yesterdays baked goods from the tyne and wear metripolitain area. 4 packs of pastys, 8 packs of the mega stotties for a quid, the shops got it all.  Its even been designed with a nod towards scandinavian minimalism/soviet era starkness for all you nathan barley types.

The most enjoyable part of your trip to the bargin bakers is seeing the rush for the last of the stotties between the locals, or the long suffering counter girls trying to explain to 90 year old indian men that they cant haggle for stale chicken slices.

Im proud to say this is the only greggs that is fully pound that shit approved. Get at it.

PIZZA EXPRESS, JESMOND

Taken from VIZ top tips, issue 189, October 2009.
“PIZZA EXPRESS, JESMOND.
Don’t bother saying thanks for the hundreds of pounds worth of free Viz artwork that is now decorating your shitty restauraunt. In fact, don’t even bother replying to our emails. And if you did get round to offering us one of your poxy pizzas in return, you can stick it up your arse, which might make it taste a bit better”

Once upon a time in mexico……..

Been searching for a good burrito in the UK ever since hitting some amazing takeaways in LA 4 or 5 years ago.After a tiring ride around London city ricky took me to a place called Chilangos. Although it wasn’t as good as LA it was the best burrito I’ve ever seen/consumed in the UK (not many).

The man himself enjoying a steak filled burrito:

The beast is big.

The place is basically a subway but serves burritos instead.

Anyway, after arriving home to sunny Wales I couldn’t keep my mind away from the satisfactory feeling of being full of burrito. Since the best Mexican restaurant in Swansea is chiquitos (which is utter dog shit) I had to go home made. After a lengthy search of the local super markets for some avocados that weren’t as hard as boulders I was set.

Ultimate burrito coming soon! along with some other mexican delights aswell as I now have more salsa and guacamole than Ricky Martin.

BANANARAMA

were slackin, but things are coming soon, in the mean time check out jnrspesh, theyre back on their grind after a dead patch, with ex pat geordie boomnoise takin our map idea and running with it. cop them chikens  son.

check out chopasauras too, for some american poundage

As carmine so eliquently points out TESCOS IS SHIT. living gateshead however its the only supermarche, and occasionally im forced to go there, it has few good points, one being its open 24 hours and the other being they massivly over order every week resulting in alot of food being reduced by 50, 60 sometimes even 80%. this is a double edged sword, the 9 person feeding stuffed turkey reduced to 3 quid sits well in the freezer but the fresh fruit does not. Tescos seem to have an ability to pick fruit and veg that goes off as soon as it gets out their doors, half the time its rotten on the shelves. so what do you do with this shit? you make bread.

narnaas. rotten? mash em.

mashed narnaas. choc. smash it

smashed choc.

narnas smashed choclat smashed.

mixem.

now youve mixed up the narnaas and the choc-o-late you need combine it with another concoction but first whisk in some fuckin eeehgs, 2 eggs to be precise.

then drop in some vanilla extract. most recipies will tell you a tea spoon but I like to put in a third of the bottle. pound it.

in another bowl mix up 250g of self raising flour with 150g of caster sugar, 100g of buttaz. shove in a spoon of baking powder and salt.

mix that shit with your greasey paws till it looks like bread crumbs.

me grandad use to tell me that cook was the only man on his submarine with clean hands, not because he got extra water to wash, but cause the dirt came off when he needed the dough, so dont worry about washing you hands first, if 85 years and a dozen type 7 U boats cant kill him your dutty hands arnt going to do much damage.

combine the two and mix that shit till it looks smoother than r kelly.

oven should be preheated to between 150-180.

pour dat.

cook dat.

pound dat, WOT.

ps. never go to barn asia. charlie cant surf? the fucker cant cook neither

THE LATE SHOWS, NEWCASTLE

the late shows are on again tonight, went down to the preview around the ouseburn last night for the free wine, there’s some good paintings in the mushroom works based on marmite which I got some photos of but cant get off the fucking iphone, shit definatly aint the future. the full line up of events is here. Theres a lot based around the current art world flavor of the month which is food art. Mainly this involves writing something delicate on a cupcake or some other twee rubbish, but the workplace gallery in gateshead has some specially grown fungus sculpture by jo coup, who’s previous work enough rope included a mound of rotting fruit used to power small band saws that slowly cut through the sculptures table.

 

the pick of the night however has to be at the laing gallerry, not only do you get to look round he always dope taylor wessing photographic portrait prize with free booze, but as the publicity crap states:

Don’t miss this edgy performance by artist Sophie Beresford, whose work is inspired by North East youth culture. Her

unique performance, using Spanish Makina techno music, will be filmed and then screened throughout the evening.

ive managed to secure a unique preview of the work here for your pleasure. check it out and make sure you hit up all the gallerys, free booze art crackerjacks and they even put on a bus to cart you from one joint to the next!