viking quest; chapter 1

9 11 2009

this is another long overdue post, but back in july me and fortini followed the tour. across france, into switzerland and round the top of italy. theres some photos of what we saw at the college on display that we used as a mascardade for the trip but in reallity whe just wanted some new scran while searching out the mythical euro sasuage.

The country of Europe is superior to the country of Newcastle in many ways, girls are hotter, theres no radgies, it’s perfectly acceptable to sleep in parks or walk into campsites without paying and use their showers. One of the biggest differences is the standard of food. kets and the kind of cheep tat you by at the corner shop are high quality,  service stations sell fresh baguettes and the kind of shit that would be labeled organic or locally produced over here and instantly have the price doubled is the standard for cheep food.

The first discovery on our quest wasn’t in europe but in the bandit country*, an automated chicken paying device.

iphone 020

Not only does this speed up chicken consumption but this also brings me one step closer to my dream of a utopian future in which the streets are lined with rotisserie chicken vending machines.

The second discovery was again in a service station, only this time in france.  straight off the boat we headed to a dodgy rest area that looked like it had a fair few truckers/murders about it. inside many treats awaited us.

iphone 277“PAUSE VITAMINES” gay comment vitamins ? bag of frenchness

Copy of Copy of iphone 007

Caaaandy up, kidnap that fool

while tempted by the vitamin pack, I settled for the litre of chocomilk befor bed time but i needed a little someting something to finish it off. we had to drop a steakout in the diary asle as a french trucker had fallen asleep upright blocking our way to the good shit.

Copy of Copy of froggyC’est merde grande

it was worth the wait, and 2 of the finest euro snacks known to man were revealed to us: the ham cake, and the boiled egg with some mayonaise

iphone 188ham cake

iphone 222egg avec mayonaise, blud

The Italian was particularily fond of these french waffle peices we found in the next service station, as well as the  coeur lion euro cheese wedge, the rolls royce of fromage snacks….

Copy of Copy of iphone 180iphone 255

part 2 of the euro quest will follow shortly……..

 

* bandit country refers to anywhere south of scotch corner





“ME NAME LOUIS AS WELL MON!”

15 04 2009

While the sweeds que out the door to pound wackdonalds this dudes smokin blunts and  selling pastys to drunks.

he didnt have any ting, just “bashment” sauce, three hands and his cutchie.he sits in his shed all night pumping out bounty killa and sizzla to fight off the swedish winds.the grape drink was appealing but there were no chicken and waffles to go with it so I setlled for the ginger ale
unfortunatly me being a baldhead pussieclot, jah is not within and the jamican fire ale wasn’t enough, so i had to reachfor the 7/11 calzone for warmth.
calzone

Go one then, Go on then

swedish 7/11 is amazing, like being transported to america, I dont even remeber what this tasted of but it was hot and sobering, god knows how much this cost.

mystery filing

mystery filling

they also had sweets named after faeces

bare lolz

bare lolz





TIGER TIGER E3 TIGER 38 TIGER ROLLDEEP TIGER

6 04 2009

Immigration is a beautiful thing, without it newcastles cullinary scene would basicly be peas pudding and a bottle of dog. Immigrants do things differently and in my opinion normally ten times better (unfortunantly not in everyones eyes, the best graf outside the shop I bought this from stated “vote BNP – blacks stab children”, lovely).

Take energy drinks for example, the Polish Tiger energy drink looks and tastes like your stock energy drink clone, blue red and silver packaging, radioactive color ect all for half the price of your normall can of red bull (all those a4 paper planes must be hitting the swiss marketing budget hard). Its difference, and winning quality, however is exactly in the area Redbull would probably see themselves as dominant in.While they concentrate on losing f1 races, TIGER have a more subtle, direct and generally more Polish marketing program.

There only endorsment and the brands name sake is Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski, despite appearing like one of the bigg markets out of shape entry/exit technicians on the side of the can, he is infact one of Polands favorate sons, Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski, a boxer who came within one victory of tying Rocky Marciano’s all-time record for an undefeated record by a world championship boxer.
darek
he aint fought yet, this is just the effect of his drink

the story of Tiger is a touching one, coming from a poor family in down trodden communist Poland, surviving the only way a man knows how – by using his fists.

I cant do his increadible story justice so ill hand the job over to the only man I Know capable of doing so, Mark Wahlberg AKA MARKEY MARK.

Although these are PANTS, markey mark wouldnt be caught dead in these

Back in the mid 90’s mark was Dareks close personell friend and he felt so moved by his tale he gave up modeling underkegs and getting his man tits out to record the inspirational song “NO MERCY”

no mercy , marky mark, 1995 – who said nu rave wouldnt last?

to further stick the boot in their new look bottle has been designed by porsche (daaaaaaamn, son!) and if you watch the tv adverts on their website youll see that they whole heartedly support and expect the drink to induce rioting and sexual assault!

so who you gonna trust? a man with a record of 48 wins (38 knockouts) in 50 matches or a puff in a milkfloat?

“What up black?”
black_2

“nuthin, just stabin some kids”