Once upon a time in mexico……..

18 09 2009

Been searching for a good burrito in the UK ever since hitting some amazing takeaways in LA 4 or 5 years ago.After a tiring ride around London city ricky took me to a place called Chilangos. Although it wasn’t as good as LA it was the best burrito I’ve ever seen/consumed in the UK (not many).

The man himself enjoying a steak filled burrito:

The beast is big.

The place is basically a subway but serves burritos instead.

Anyway, after arriving home to sunny Wales I couldn’t keep my mind away from the satisfactory feeling of being full of burrito. Since the best Mexican restaurant in Swansea is chiquitos (which is utter dog shit) I had to go home made. After a lengthy search of the local super markets for some avocados that weren’t as hard as boulders I was set.

Ultimate burrito coming soon! along with some other mexican delights aswell as I now have more salsa and guacamole than Ricky Martin.

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BANANARAMA

9 06 2009

were slackin, but things are coming soon, in the mean time check out jnrspesh, theyre back on their grind after a dead patch, with ex pat geordie boomnoise takin our map idea and running with it. cop them chikens  son.

check out chopasauras too, for some american poundage

As carmine so eliquently points out TESCOS IS SHIT. living gateshead however its the only supermarche, and occasionally im forced to go there, it has few good points, one being its open 24 hours and the other being they massivly over order every week resulting in alot of food being reduced by 50, 60 sometimes even 80%. this is a double edged sword, the 9 person feeding stuffed turkey reduced to 3 quid sits well in the freezer but the fresh fruit does not. Tescos seem to have an ability to pick fruit and veg that goes off as soon as it gets out their doors, half the time its rotten on the shelves. so what do you do with this shit? you make bread.

baa

narnaas. rotten? mash em.

mash-banananana

mashed narnaas. choc. smash it

choclate

smashed choc.

narnas smashed choclat smashed.

mixem.

bowl

now youve mixed up the narnaas and the choc-o-late you need combine it with another concoction but first whisk in some fuckin eeehgs, 2 eggs to be precise.

then drop in some vanilla extract. most recipies will tell you a tea spoon but I like to put in a third of the bottle. pound it.

in another bowl mix up 250g of self raising flour with 150g of caster sugar, 100g of buttaz. shove in a spoon of baking powder and salt.

mix that shit with your greasey paws till it looks like bread crumbs.

me grandad use to tell me that cook was the only man on his submarine with clean hands, not because he got extra water to wash, but cause the dirt came off when he needed the dough, so dont worry about washing you hands first, if 85 years and a dozen type 7 U boats cant kill him your dutty hands arnt going to do much damage.

mix

combine the two and mix that shit till it looks smoother than r kelly.

oven should be preheated to between 150-180.

mixintopot

pour dat.

tin

cook dat.

loaf pound dat, WOT.

ps. never go to barn asia. charlie cant surf? the fucker cant cook neither





THE LATE SHOWS, NEWCASTLE

16 05 2009

the late shows are on again tonight, went down to the preview around the ouseburn last night for the free wine, there’s some good paintings in the mushroom works based on marmite which I got some photos of but cant get off the fucking iphone, shit definatly aint the future. the full line up of events is here. Theres a lot based around the current art world flavor of the month which is food art. Mainly this involves writing something delicate on a cupcake or some other twee rubbish, but the workplace gallery in gateshead has some specially grown fungus sculpture by jo coup, who’s previous work enough rope included a mound of rotting fruit used to power small band saws that slowly cut through the sculptures table.

EnoughRope1

 

EnoughRope2

the pick of the night however has to be at the laing gallerry, not only do you get to look round he always dope taylor wessing photographic portrait prize with free booze, but as the publicity crap states:

Don’t miss this edgy performance by artist Sophie Beresford, whose work is inspired by North East youth culture. Her

unique performance, using Spanish Makina techno music, will be filmed and then screened throughout the evening.

ive managed to secure a unique preview of the work here for your pleasure. check it out and make sure you hit up all the gallerys, free booze art crackerjacks and they even put on a bus to cart you from one joint to the next! 

 






MikkyD X6

10 05 2009

x6mcd

A typical Sunday has to contain junk food/pop/sweets. Mainly to combat any hangover but also to celebrate jesus. To fulfill todays quota i dropped one of my child hood fantasies. Ladies and Gentlemen the Mikky D’s double cheeseburger x 3. Thats right 6 meat patties, tripal gherkins and triple cheeese. Buy 3 dbl Cheeses, lose the bread from 2 and combine into the 6ixer. The math. £1.29 x 3= £3.87. 440 calories x 3= 1320. Shit got Pounded!!

Although this math doesnt seem right. I need to research more. Can I demand 6 patties in one burger stock from the cashier? Cheeseburger 99p, dbl cheeseburger 1.29. Ergo thus making a patty of meat 20p. So will they give me an x6 patty for £2.09????  Surely they must??? I doubt it some how. can i have the Neopolitan milkshake? another fantasy. Obsessed with the secret menu? I need to find someone who works there.

poundthatshit

My other food fantasy was eating 2 calzones from the same plate. which was done long ago at the anglo pizza bogof offer. live the dream.





ITS A PAR

8 05 2009

Absolutly gutted, winds been kicking up all day so the table suspeneded by the crain has been called off. got a full refund tho so im off to spend the 70 quid on cereal.

holla at  Dallas Penn.





This is why i’m hot?

7 05 2009

jhrnrxfgukptfibqx1dgiba5o1_500new favorite blog, this is why your fat, some of its pretty stock/shit stuff but there’s some hot joints in there like the “cornhole”, “shake shack double stack”, “the slayer” “the Thunderdome” and “the porkgasm”. The last time i witnessed such a joyous celebration of gluttony while disregarding both taste and ingredient combination conventions was when I made a banana bacon cheese and chocolate sandwich in year 7 home economics.

i2dw5nf19loso0ttxjaxobzxo1_500the corn hole

Corn on the cob wrapped in hickory bacon with two hot dogs and two Colby-Jack cheese sticks wrapped in ground beef.

i2dw5nf19k2ky99ysvjeheewo1_r2_500

Shake Shack Double Stack

A deep fried cheese-stuffed portabello mushroom between two cheeseburgers.

i2dw5nf19jsoc1jbzwjjalxuo1_500

The Slayer

A pile of fries topped with a burger, chili, cherry peppers, andouille, onions smothered in jack cheese.

i2dw5nf19jrl14dluhojafqro1_500

The Thunderdome

Three stacks of bacon, sausage, elk meat, onions and cheese between tortillas all topped with sour cream, two fried eggs and scallions.

i2dw5nf19kx3215zo37yggggo1_500-1

The Porkgasm

Bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Garnished with chili ears and tail.

They’ve got a book deal and are taking an open application for entries so get you cameras out and your arteries clogged





THE SON OF SPAM

7 05 2009

this blogs been regularily increasing its vistors over the past few months,what with the notoriety casued from being banned from the bbc food site, then removed from the guardian site we must get all of 3 daily visitors. Having my blog game so tight right now has lead to the attentions of various big money offers to ghost write for international food blogs, invitations to advise celebrity food chefs, a indecent proposal from the one off of the two fat ladys that isn’t dead yet, ect, ect

two_fat_ladies1Riding Dirty?

In truth I wasnt really feeling any of them. They werent real enough, didnt match my swag. that was untill the good peopel at SPAM stepped the fuck up an headhunted me as there local rep.

spammobile

SPAM mobile, rolling on 15″s

First up I get this sweet ride to chill in outside of the student union, so far ive been a hit with the Fijin exchange students, them honeys love their tinned meat.

Secondly I get to use it as a oppertunity to promote myself all the local talent shamefully ignored by the london centric media. Ive been spending the following week hooking up locals with a van load of SPAM.Not only do they deserve the unparraled media attention and hype that only I can generate plus the  added protein of SPAM in their diet, but some of the cases have been leeking and my kitchen fucking reeks so I need shot of them quick.

tinsagimmie two of them joints

Firstly i felt it nesecarry to help out a group who I feel have been surpessed for far to long, and without whos anarchist B-Boy stylings and inapropriate political MCing have ruined bolsterd many a night in out in our fair city. I decided to hook up $OCIALIST BALLER and DA POLITIKKKAL A$$A$IN from up and coming north east crew WERKING CLA$$ HEROZZ

poshmcs1Left, $ocialist Baller, right Da Politikkal A$$a$in, sticking it to the man

I spoke to the crew asking why they thought it was appropriate to be accepting SPAM, a commericail product while having such staunch anarchist/socialist/any-protest-to-pass-the time-and-try-and-snog-a-lass-with-dreads-who-possibly-hasnt-washed-in a-month roots.

Jimmy2thumbs:  so why the fuck do a couple of crustys want to be down with SPAM?

$ocialist Baller: “well obviously your a  prasitic capatalist who has no place in our anarchist new world order, but its a widley know fact in the post-lovers-rock-proto-political-wub-step-ket-step-student-dink-step-squat-party-scene that bob marleys origional tune was called we spammin’. SPAM’s always been supportive of the plight of the global ghetto, back in the 70s SPAM was often combined with smoking da reefer, hali salasi commanded all the rastarian nation to use the meat as the spam corporation had done a secret deal with the emerging african power of ethiopia, helping with free crates of the food stuff and funding a small army, beliving they would eventulay expand into a great empire. However the british government got ahold of the infomation and its illuminati sepresssed the tune untill the lyrics were changed against our bobs will. As a result we jammin‘ didnt have the same effect as a call to arms and the movment failed.”

Effects of SPAM in the dance

Da Politikkal A$$a$in: “I was always more of a ub40 fan myself, blud. theres a raaaaat inme kitchen wha’ amma gonna do. Anyway the process involved in making SPAM is earily similar to our way of producing tunes, first off they take a decent peice of sholder meat, cut it all up then mix it in with the pigs arse and some chemicals, until it no longer tastes in anyway nice, just like how we combine multiple genres and flimsy ideoligies to make our tunes sound shit, the only place where my analergy falls down is that SPAM has a infinate shelf life, where as out tunes already sound dated. ”

$ocialist Baller: “plus we heard the fijian exchange students love that shit, dem honeyz is fine, son”

I’ve also been hooking up and coming bmxers with crates of SPAM, everyone knows to keep your self energised during along day of shreading the gnar and schrapling jibs theres nothing better than half a tin of chopped pork and sodium nitrate. unfortuntly ive been struggling to find people old enough to remeber what the fuck SPAM is or even why the fuck anyone would want to eat the shite, lukily for me ive managed to hook up two international legends of the BMX community, NEV POTTS and MR PANTS.

nev-pottsNev Potts anouncing his world record attempt on channels 5’s RAD

Nev has already been down the fox claiming hes setting up a world record jump, jumping over 1000 spam tins in a row. Mr pants eager not to be out done has changed his name by deedpoll and will now be known as MR. SPAM, is reviving his critically acclaimed and universally praised “teabagging for jesus” video series and has lined up stunts include shoving a tin of SPAM up his forskin. When we suggested eatting some of it on camera he replied “I know im fucking daft and desperate for attention but im not that bad off”.

John Lilly was also contacted about representing the brand as a bridge to the younger generation but claimed he got flash backs to attempting use a empty SPAM tin as a hotcan to smoke a lump a DAZ automatic back in the 80’s and couldnt go through with it.

keep an eye on this blog for upcoming events, so far ideas include game of dodgeball using SPAM tins (SPAMball) and a Ibiza SPAM party at wiggle, its a bit like a foam party but you get to rub spammy goodnes all over a marketing students tits while wearing baleric sandles with a string vest, all to a sound track of Da Hool and the Outhere Brothers, “‘Ave it”, as the kids say.