6 04 2009

Immigration is a beautiful thing, without it newcastles cullinary scene would basicly be peas pudding and a bottle of dog. Immigrants do things differently and in my opinion normally ten times better (unfortunantly not in everyones eyes, the best graf outside the shop I bought this from stated “vote BNP – blacks stab children”, lovely).

Take energy drinks for example, the Polish Tiger energy drink looks and tastes like your stock energy drink clone, blue red and silver packaging, radioactive color ect all for half the price of your normall can of red bull (all those a4 paper planes must be hitting the swiss marketing budget hard). Its difference, and winning quality, however is exactly in the area Redbull would probably see themselves as dominant in.While they concentrate on losing f1 races, TIGER have a more subtle, direct and generally more Polish marketing program.

There only endorsment and the brands name sake is Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski, despite appearing like one of the bigg markets out of shape entry/exit technicians on the side of the can, he is infact one of Polands favorate sons, Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski, a boxer who came within one victory of tying Rocky Marciano’s all-time record for an undefeated record by a world championship boxer.
he aint fought yet, this is just the effect of his drink

the story of Tiger is a touching one, coming from a poor family in down trodden communist Poland, surviving the only way a man knows how – by using his fists.

I cant do his increadible story justice so ill hand the job over to the only man I Know capable of doing so, Mark Wahlberg AKA MARKEY MARK.

Although these are PANTS, markey mark wouldnt be caught dead in these

Back in the mid 90’s mark was Dareks close personell friend and he felt so moved by his tale he gave up modeling underkegs and getting his man tits out to record the inspirational song “NO MERCY”

no mercy , marky mark, 1995 – who said nu rave wouldnt last?

to further stick the boot in their new look bottle has been designed by porsche (daaaaaaamn, son!) and if you watch the tv adverts on their website youll see that they whole heartedly support and expect the drink to induce rioting and sexual assault!

so who you gonna trust? a man with a record of 48 wins (38 knockouts) in 50 matches or a puff in a milkfloat?

“What up black?”

“nuthin, just stabin some kids”


swedish offy

9 01 2009

Swedish offys are mental. basically if you beers over 3.5% you cant get it sold in Swedish sids shop or Ron “svenska” Balmoral’s, oh no. If your not american you know that light beer don’t count, you want that good ish, the 5% beloved of the lcl, vyborg and damager faithful. this means only one thing in sweden. system diatech. in Sweden system diatech isn’t a bike part its much more my friend. in reality its called Systembolaget but i can never remember that. The state controls all sales of alcohol over 3.5% and their pretty serious about it too, they hold them up in a massive offy that is the diatech. we couldn’t find the little diatech in our neighborhood so we headed into the diatech hive, in the middle of stockholm, we weren’t prepared for what awaited us.
inside it was fucking crazy, it was how I imagined the evacuation panics from independence day and the day after tomorrow if they’d both been based in Glasgow, empty creates everywhere, barely any sprits left on the shelves, families franticly searching in the empty piles of crates for that last bottle of brown ale (no shit). before we’d joined the Q i managed to restrain the urge to grab random cans, however once stuck in the Q cabin fever set in, what if i could walk before i left the house? what if i had to pay 5 quid for a pint in the bars? what if i never got to taste that beer with a polar bear on the can? luckily for me we got stuck queuing in the “STRANG” section aka swedish special brew and tramps paradise.

Shopping basket before the Q

Shopping basket after the Q

not only do they check everyones id at the tills they log how many cans you’ve got, how many bottles and exactly what you bought into the till, the whole place is patrolled by the “kings guard”, which look like stock polis in red ski suits. it took us about half an hour to get served and by then the q’s were out the door. i think the idea behind it is to make binge drinking harder but this kind of defeats the point when evry drink comes in 3.5%, 5% and 7.5% versions, you can even get a special brew strength kopperberg! shits ill!

overall system diatech rules, it encourages panic buying and hysteria in one of Europe’s most restrained peoples, id love to see the government try that over here, they’d be panic in the streets. generally the beer in sweden is wack ask fuck, bland at best but i was nicely surprised by my selections.
first up was the FALCON
this was selected as it looked a bit like it was from Scottish & Newcatsle breweries, most of the local beers didnt look sweedish enough so i just went for random factors. pretty much all were above 5.2% which was good enough for me. basicly the falcon was pretty wack, probably the worst beer id tasted since Ali Webb gave me a warm bottle of out of date fosters ice to wash down a burger his dad had bbq’d and was still frozen in the middle on bonfire night 1998. watery, smelt faintly of piss no real taste but still makes you feel slightly sick, all in all a perfect S&N clone! well done lads.

The swedish like royalty, they still have a royal family that behaves itself unlike our lot who might aswell be from Haltwhistle and in honor of the swedish royals i chose the next 2 cans of piss

both actually stood their ground well, i could see harry necking a few KUNG on his way to get some blood diamonds with his future in-laws, or engaging in some casual racism (grandpa would be proud harry) but i doubt the Swedish royals would go for them. BlaGul was the weaker of the 2, id liken it to bud or some other student fodder.

after tasting the piss i needed something to put (more) hairs on my chest, arbargograra was the perfect choice, dark old germanic graphics, 7.3% and the words DRAK and STRANG on the can, which i assume mean strong and dark.

how did it taste?

FUCKING RANK just what i needed.

this was the best of the bunch, hint of special brew but easy to neck, like a dark LCL. polar bears and tennis reference are plus (was he a tennis player? or was he in abba? who knows?). either way i drank it in my boxer shorts and a white thermal vest in tribute.

this beauty was selected as it looked like it was a pack of davidoff tabs. this was a sophisticated look i planned to rock on the street to let the Swedes know i was as cultured and european as them. this was undone by the 7/11 calzone i insisted on buying but more on that later. it was a smooth and creamy larger, much like the tab it lovingly resembles. i give them titties three thumbs up.

last but not least was the ladys choice CID. cunningly aimed at internet youth with a winky face thingy intergrated into its name, we assumed this was stock cider, turns out not

shit was berry cider, basically wkd but with out all the chemicals. illsick.
over all swedish beer is pretty shit, but they have more fun buying it, more fun drinking it and a better health service for when you liver packs up so id say they win.