viking quest; chapter 1

9 11 2009

this is another long overdue post, but back in july me and fortini followed the tour. across france, into switzerland and round the top of italy. theres some photos of what we saw at the college on display that we used as a mascardade for the trip but in reallity whe just wanted some new scran while searching out the mythical euro sasuage.

The country of Europe is superior to the country of Newcastle in many ways, girls are hotter, theres no radgies, it’s perfectly acceptable to sleep in parks or walk into campsites without paying and use their showers. One of the biggest differences is the standard of food. kets and the kind of cheep tat you by at the corner shop are high quality,  service stations sell fresh baguettes and the kind of shit that would be labeled organic or locally produced over here and instantly have the price doubled is the standard for cheep food.

The first discovery on our quest wasn’t in europe but in the bandit country*, an automated chicken paying device.

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Not only does this speed up chicken consumption but this also brings me one step closer to my dream of a utopian future in which the streets are lined with rotisserie chicken vending machines.

The second discovery was again in a service station, only this time in france.  straight off the boat we headed to a dodgy rest area that looked like it had a fair few truckers/murders about it. inside many treats awaited us.

iphone 277“PAUSE VITAMINES” gay comment vitamins ? bag of frenchness

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Caaaandy up, kidnap that fool

while tempted by the vitamin pack, I settled for the litre of chocomilk befor bed time but i needed a little someting something to finish it off. we had to drop a steakout in the diary asle as a french trucker had fallen asleep upright blocking our way to the good shit.

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it was worth the wait, and 2 of the finest euro snacks known to man were revealed to us: the ham cake, and the boiled egg with some mayonaise

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The Italian was particularily fond of these french waffle peices we found in the next service station, as well as the  coeur lion euro cheese wedge, the rolls royce of fromage snacks….

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part 2 of the euro quest will follow shortly……..

 

* bandit country refers to anywhere south of scotch corner

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PISS ARTISTS

20 10 2009

Kebabs and art. whats not to like.  send in a photo if you have a kebab shop close to your heart.

tempspace

“Temporary Space – contemporary art project asks your participation! Simple, just take a photo.

Temporaryspace.org is a contemporary art project run by two Finnish artists, Jonna Johansson and Juan Kasari. Tourism, globalisation and consuming as a cultural phenomenon are the main subjects of the project.

At the moment we are doing a big photo installation, which includes several hundreds of pictures of kebab restaurants around the world. We kindly ask you to take a photo (non professional snapshot) of your local kebab place (from outside) and send it to us. All the pictures will be part of the big installation and all the participants will be mentioned on temporaryspace.org website.

Maximum size of photos 5mb.

temporaryspaceproject@gmail.com






Bhangra niche?

20 10 2009

so what feels like months ago it was Newcastle Mela. the asian answer to the hoppings? except the radgies that gan wear lethal white timbo’s along with some indian robes. Bhangra followed by some bait, whats not to like. The last time I went someone showed me a video of some asian beef that went down which involved ass wipping with belts. I was there strictly for the other kind of asian beef which is only availible in the foodcourt.

So I wandered the food area looking for who was going to get the hard earned in exchange for some fine cuisine. Lewis along with his genuine asian girlfriend helped me chose, for some reason when we got there there was a bunch a chancers flogging inflatible ballons bearing her resemblance. It was latter explained that this was a popular ethnic cartoon character known as dora the explorer, its amzing what they get up to in the colinies these days, eh? anyways back to the food, it didnt matter what the backseat eaters were saying, the main factor was the short que,  plus the chefs looked pretty old and had white beards! These boys must have been in the trade for a coons age ergo would know what was up.

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Bin o’ Spice

Turns out they did. £7 got me everything they had cooked that day in a carton and a can of coke. You cant argue with that. So they put it down like this; Naan bread basew filled with meat curry, another meat curry then a veggie curry, salad over that, sauce, a little rice on da side along with a bahji and a pakora. This wasn’t no bull shit portion either, It took some eating, I think i even had to leave some naan. wash it doon with some cola. Lovely stuff.

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To help the digestion we made dora the explora translate what was going down on stage. In between singing about woodpeckers and wacking two garden cains together the singer was calling out the bored crowd, while punjabi MC tryed to flog us his mixtape. After that I ate some kind of mango indian lolly. Lewis had a pistachio lolly, which was alright but a bit queer tasting for me. Some deepfried suger dowsed indian batter also went down.

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I forget its name  (Jallebi) but it was orange and probably sends kids wild.  Sim did a little bangra dance to celbrate, until the remainder of the Jallebi leaked in her bag, and all over her skirt. sticky crotch aint a good look for rammadan.





Kabul Fried chicken

6 05 2009

More arab money………..

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Someones getting suied

Taken from Time magazine

A KFC to Give the Colonel Indigestion

“The Colonel was a visionary,” Mirwais says. “He was the first to envision fried chicken as a commercial food. I see myself as the Afghan Colonel Sanders.” Indeed, Mirwais’ chicken tastes, at least to the expatriate palate, remarkably similar to its American inspiration — and he’s not disclosing the source of his recipe.”

“Mirwais is not the only Afghan pretender to the Colonel Sanders mantle in Kabul. Another is Jamshed, who uses only one name, and runs one of three rival KFCs. Jamshed’s recipe for success includes more than just a secret combination of herbs and spices. Young men are drawn like flies to the music videos blasting out of his store’s open doors; the slack-jawed patrons watching Shakira, onscreen, writhing while covered alternately in mud, men, and nothing are sampling a bite-size package of Western decadence.

Jamshed spits a bit when he talks — hopefully he cooks in silence. He claims that after being told by the (real) KFC regional HQ in Lahore, Pakistan, that opening a franchise in Kabul would cost him a few hundred thousand dollars, he opted to go the pirate route. He claims to have bought the U.S.-based KFC’s secret fried chicken recipe on the black market for $1,200, although obviously that claim can’t be verified. “You can get anything at the bazaar in Pakistan,” he says. And he filched real KFC iconography off the Internet for his restaurant’s promotional materials and decorations.”





AL BASHA GRILL HOUSE

4 05 2009

Al basha. First Arabic restaurant in Newcastle. Best arabic restaurant in Newcastle. full of natives. crazy auto-tune 170 bpm lebanise folk on the stereo. buffet review will be coming soon but first up is the take out.

this needs to be addressed as theres a lot of chi chi men talking fassi business on trustedplaces and the like saying basha takeaway aint up to scratch. I ain’t never had aproblem with it, ordered last friday night 8pm, peek time, food was in my hands in 20 minutes. the food is as good as what you get in the joint.  chicken shawarma wrap, falafel wrap and a mousakka, deliverd to your door for 12 spond. basha

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dsc_6210half a chicken shawarma, half falafel wrap

best turkish food this side of a berlin stoop. As “DR” johnston from the afformentioned bumberclaut website explians:

“The food made a really nice change to the typically spicy indian food, you’ll get to taste real kebabs not like the ones you get in dirty shops after going out late at night. The food is so nice and I really recommend it to people who have never tried it. I even tried another similar restaurant in Oxford however it fell short from how good Basha is. The waiters are friendly and are really proud of their origins and if you have ever visited will gladly have conversations with you. Ask ali to do you a dance from his region and he do a traditional arabic male on male dancing, rather amusing for a westerner!!”

no wonder they stackin money when the rest of newcastles on its arse. best food in town and slighly degrading entertainment for your culuturally ignortant clientel in one. heres some of the waiters practicing for the evening serivce





kebabish, thrill of the grill, newcastle

4 01 2009

I WANNA CHEEEKEN. aWHOLE one. £ 3.99 a pop and that shit is amazing. full baby chicken chopped up and grilled up. the kebab is one of the finest youll find in newcastle. i dont lie to you, my friend. meat is grilled up. naan cooked in front of ya. mad salad. mad sauce. come in tin foil. HUGE. legit. when we were in on the annual  christmas eve eve chicken night we watched an awesome asian mtv video. bloke in a george bush mask with a huge paper mache hand?