THE SON OF SPAM

7 05 2009

this blogs been regularily increasing its vistors over the past few months,what with the notoriety casued from being banned from the bbc food site, then removed from the guardian site we must get all of 3 daily visitors. Having my blog game so tight right now has lead to the attentions of various big money offers to ghost write for international food blogs, invitations to advise celebrity food chefs, a indecent proposal from the one off of the two fat ladys that isn’t dead yet, ect, ect

two_fat_ladies1Riding Dirty?

In truth I wasnt really feeling any of them. They werent real enough, didnt match my swag. that was untill the good peopel at SPAM stepped the fuck up an headhunted me as there local rep.

spammobile

SPAM mobile, rolling on 15″s

First up I get this sweet ride to chill in outside of the student union, so far ive been a hit with the Fijin exchange students, them honeys love their tinned meat.

Secondly I get to use it as a oppertunity to promote myself all the local talent shamefully ignored by the london centric media. Ive been spending the following week hooking up locals with a van load of SPAM.Not only do they deserve the unparraled media attention and hype that only I can generate plus the  added protein of SPAM in their diet, but some of the cases have been leeking and my kitchen fucking reeks so I need shot of them quick.

tinsagimmie two of them joints

Firstly i felt it nesecarry to help out a group who I feel have been surpessed for far to long, and without whos anarchist B-Boy stylings and inapropriate political MCing have ruined bolsterd many a night in out in our fair city. I decided to hook up $OCIALIST BALLER and DA POLITIKKKAL A$$A$IN from up and coming north east crew WERKING CLA$$ HEROZZ

poshmcs1Left, $ocialist Baller, right Da Politikkal A$$a$in, sticking it to the man

I spoke to the crew asking why they thought it was appropriate to be accepting SPAM, a commericail product while having such staunch anarchist/socialist/any-protest-to-pass-the time-and-try-and-snog-a-lass-with-dreads-who-possibly-hasnt-washed-in a-month roots.

Jimmy2thumbs:  so why the fuck do a couple of crustys want to be down with SPAM?

$ocialist Baller: “well obviously your a  prasitic capatalist who has no place in our anarchist new world order, but its a widley know fact in the post-lovers-rock-proto-political-wub-step-ket-step-student-dink-step-squat-party-scene that bob marleys origional tune was called we spammin’. SPAM’s always been supportive of the plight of the global ghetto, back in the 70s SPAM was often combined with smoking da reefer, hali salasi commanded all the rastarian nation to use the meat as the spam corporation had done a secret deal with the emerging african power of ethiopia, helping with free crates of the food stuff and funding a small army, beliving they would eventulay expand into a great empire. However the british government got ahold of the infomation and its illuminati sepresssed the tune untill the lyrics were changed against our bobs will. As a result we jammin‘ didnt have the same effect as a call to arms and the movment failed.”

Effects of SPAM in the dance

Da Politikkal A$$a$in: “I was always more of a ub40 fan myself, blud. theres a raaaaat inme kitchen wha’ amma gonna do. Anyway the process involved in making SPAM is earily similar to our way of producing tunes, first off they take a decent peice of sholder meat, cut it all up then mix it in with the pigs arse and some chemicals, until it no longer tastes in anyway nice, just like how we combine multiple genres and flimsy ideoligies to make our tunes sound shit, the only place where my analergy falls down is that SPAM has a infinate shelf life, where as out tunes already sound dated. ”

$ocialist Baller: “plus we heard the fijian exchange students love that shit, dem honeyz is fine, son”

I’ve also been hooking up and coming bmxers with crates of SPAM, everyone knows to keep your self energised during along day of shreading the gnar and schrapling jibs theres nothing better than half a tin of chopped pork and sodium nitrate. unfortuntly ive been struggling to find people old enough to remeber what the fuck SPAM is or even why the fuck anyone would want to eat the shite, lukily for me ive managed to hook up two international legends of the BMX community, NEV POTTS and MR PANTS.

nev-pottsNev Potts anouncing his world record attempt on channels 5’s RAD

Nev has already been down the fox claiming hes setting up a world record jump, jumping over 1000 spam tins in a row. Mr pants eager not to be out done has changed his name by deedpoll and will now be known as MR. SPAM, is reviving his critically acclaimed and universally praised “teabagging for jesus” video series and has lined up stunts include shoving a tin of SPAM up his forskin. When we suggested eatting some of it on camera he replied “I know im fucking daft and desperate for attention but im not that bad off”.

John Lilly was also contacted about representing the brand as a bridge to the younger generation but claimed he got flash backs to attempting use a empty SPAM tin as a hotcan to smoke a lump a DAZ automatic back in the 80’s and couldnt go through with it.

keep an eye on this blog for upcoming events, so far ideas include game of dodgeball using SPAM tins (SPAMball) and a Ibiza SPAM party at wiggle, its a bit like a foam party but you get to rub spammy goodnes all over a marketing students tits while wearing baleric sandles with a string vest, all to a sound track of Da Hool and the Outhere Brothers, “‘Ave it”, as the kids say.

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